But who loves you?!

I know we all have life challenges that we sometimes (me all the time) wish there was a bypass button to not have to go through those dreadful challenges and obstacles. Why do we have them and who made this shit up?!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I want to share an abundance of choice words with people every time they tell me that. I'm high vibrational so that equals "Universe come fuck with me me more then you fuck with the low vibrational tools that are out here?!" I am tired. You can keep the cracker jack prizes that you was offering me if I can just be left the hell alone and just sleep.

 I sound pissed if you haven't noticed. lol

I have officially closed off my cycle with my twin flame. After I felt all my energy come back, even the last littlest part he was white knuckling to hold on too, I immediately felt calm, at peace, quiet and I felt the burdens was just lifted. I felt no struggle that I was tied to and I felt like I could finally have a restful, sleep filled night and I did! I slept for nines that night, I woke up that next night and looked at my fit bit app and when I saw that message "You did it!" I smiled with the acknowledgement of knowing I slept all night without a stir and I still felt lighter. I became excited and was really for an adventure, something new! I felt my world starting to turn and no longer stagnant.

I then thought about my twin flame and realized he was no longer connected to me. I couldn't feel him anymore but I felt connected to something higher. At the moment, I felt my Twin Flame moved into the energy of becoming a karma?! Is that even possible?! He turned into a karma, damn. I had no idea that could happen. I was able to receive and see the download from the Universe so fucking clear! This was all something that was suppose to happen to awaken me into ascension. I don't feel me becoming mentally fuck up should become a part of a plan from the divine to make me raise my vibration higher. So now I feel like a psychic on steroids and as for my twin flame that is now my karmic, my love and feelings dissolved for him. I feel nothing for him, no emotional ties, love or lust. Nothing, my spirit guide told me this was apart of his karma, me walking away (8 of Cups) and moving forward into a new cycle (6 of Swords and the Wheel of Fortune) and being rewarded from the divine (Ace of Cups and Coin) and a new love connection with soulmate energy (Two of Cups) that is and will be my wish fulfillment that will bring stability (The Star Card, 10 of Cups and Pentacles and King of Pentacles). Yes I just referenced the hell out of Tarot Cards that confirmed everything I felt.

My toxic twin is trying to come back into my energy and I am not welcoming it. I learned to forgive him but I didn't forgive him for him. I forgive him so I could give myself clarity and closer where he behaved closed off in flighty and ghosting energy. He really did a number on my mental state and I am still healing but my guides and ancestors told me I am safe to love but then I thought able it " Who is going to love me?!?!

I have been loving, nurturing and supportive and it has never been returned. I gave out so much love until my cup ran empty because no one ever bothered to ask me "What do you want Leilani?" It may be safe for me to love but I am deciding to put that love back into me. No one has eve learned to loved me the way I deserve to be loved and through out the years that have made me lose my self worth and make me feel unworthy to be loved. This was conditioned into me as a small child and I want to fix this.

I am going to love me.....

Thank you for reading

Namaste 

The Start of a Beautiful Friendship

 After my awful tower moment, I was angry, tried, exhausted, sad, lack self worth, and lost knowledge of my value.  On top of that I felt the worst feeling of betrayal from my best friend who is the person I was born to love and felt rejected, thrown away and disrespected of my time. Yes I still love him to this day however in my own time I have healed, found clarity and learned to trust myself, the divine and most of all, my intuition. 

I needed a change and I didn't know where to began. I've isolated myself after finding out the people I have called my friends all my life secretly didn't like me. So I felt I couldn't catch a break. I am cheerful, energetic person that likes to give encouragement and blessings for the bless. They all felt I was to ambitious and happy go lucky but they never thought to ask, how I feel. When something bad happens, I try to look at the Brightside and find the lessons to learn to move forward.  I am to positive and happy and it annoyed them that I can bounce back from wrong doings done toward me. So when I was emotional and heartbroken, I was the bud of the joke and later to find out they made jokes over my marriages in the past and my fertility issues I had in the past. So I let go and let God. I had too and then I mourned them. So now when I walk past them with no acknowledge like I have never met them before in my life but I don't wish ill for them. When I cut someone off, they are cut off from my energy. 

I know I needed to start my healing process, I just didn't know how or where to start. I realized I don't really see myself when I look in the mirror. So one day, I just decided to just really look at myself. staring back at me was a person I didn't know and I wanted to get to know her, learn her and hear her story. When she opened her mouth to say something, it wasn't what I was expecting. what she said to me made me smile she said: 

"Leilani, you are enough just as you are! "

"You are perfectly designed! 

and 

"My life is my own!" 

Yes, affirmations, I started with affirmations. I had to start somewhere. I am giver and with being a single Mom, it's hard for me to buy things for myself, or even put myself first that is an entirely different story about how I am my child's only provider and my child's father went out of his way to hurt me financially and refused to assist with providing and doing what is best for my son. After having a two year set back, I have been afraid to spend money on myself not knowing what if I have a financial struggle and be back at that bad place that I never want to go back too again. However I started to believe in myself again with telling myself positive affirmations every time I looked at myself in the mirror, until I actually begin to feel that way. 

Healing doesn't happen over night, it is a process and sometimes the people you surround yourself with, depending on their intentions they could be your support system, or wishing you to fail. 

Thank you